16 Mar 2013
March 16, 2013

Steroids and Pleading the FIFTH

The Locker Room – Steroids, HGH and the Pleading the FIFTH DRUG Problem!

Being Accepted, getting an Identity and having a Purpose, the core essence of living; me, they were the center reasons for almost dying.  

There comes a time in every kids life that they are either looking in or looking out, in the game or on the side lines, with a date or standing next to the dance floor, not the first round draft pick but a free agent at best. There comes a day in every persons life that you stare into a room that you either are wishing to get in or finding yourself dying to get out.

For me, I would have given anything to be in there, in that game, on that dance floor, first one picked to play what ever game that life would bring me. It meant everything to me to be IN that room peering out. Looking back, once in my obsession, my fear at the core of it all, almost cost me everything and at one time I was not sure I would ever get out! Most of my life, especially in my childhood it was the locker room so to speak, a team, a group, a click, a squad, a desperate need to be in the huddle and apart of it all I so desired. It was the obsession of that locker room in my youth that one-day almost landed me in a locked up room for life.

Why is it that a mostly empty, smelly, ugly looking room becomes the obsession of the majority of kids growing up, and many adults who never have really grown up? Why is it that a room made for no more than to dress and undress will make a mild manor adult act and do things like a little kid on Sundays? Why is it that a person would risk or even spend their entire bank account just to say, “I was there, back then, last week and still today in my mind, in that room?”

For me it came down to basically one reason, one motive and yes one obsession; a search for some sort of an identity, a apart of something. In other words, being accepted. Fortunately, after hanging up the towel in that quest, it dawned on me that I during it all, I was slowly losing the very thing one thinks they will never ever lose, my soul.  What once was a space filled up with a deep desire to get in or be a part of something, had before I knew it become an empty room of the heart, so wanting, so needing to get out; all because of what? I just want to FIT IN.